feeling a little bit like a greenie

Four years ago I had just entered the MTC. Come February it will be 4 years since I entered the mission field as a little bitty greenie. In other words, I was new to the mission life and had no idea how to be the best missionary and how to be effective in my calling. More often then not, I wanted to be this incredible missionary...someone at the same level as the AP's or the more seasoned missionaries. It was impossible to become that person. I had just come into Canada. I had no idea what I was doing. I had to learn to be patient with myself, with my companion, and with the work. I had spurts of frustration that I could not be the best missionary I wanted to be. I couldn't be that great missionary because I had just started. I had to learn the ropes, make mistakes, and keep trying to perfect myself. It took time to become the missionary that I wanted to be. Even when I had one week left in Canada, I felt then that I had just figured out how to be an effective missionary.

My mission experiences truly parallel my experiences now as a first year teacher. I am, again, a greenie. I think I know how to be a good teacher but it's MUCH easier said than done. I am learning through my mistakes that often affect my students and their learning. I go to work everyday seeing my weaknesses exposed almost every hour. And I think to myself, "Is this what I signed up for? Can I really make a difference? Will I ever get the hang of this?" The answer is that yes, I know I can do this. It has been challenging since day one of this job trying to figure out what the heck I am doing. But I have to remember: I am a greenie in the teaching profession. I have to be patient with myself. I can't be a seasoned teacher yet because I have to experience all these things to know what I am doing right and wrong. It's okay to be a greenie. We all have to go through it at the start of every stage of life.

But this is one thing that is great about being a greenie, similar to the mission. My reliance on the Lord has increased, my humility has grown, and my love for students is strong. I know I can love, care, and pray for my students. I have that in my power. So as I am messing up everyday I can at least come home knowing that I did my best to help my students. I can give them that love, direction, and motivation. I can do that now, even if the other things are still falling into place.

And I am grateful that I know that this too shall pass and, eventually, I will feel that things will calm down and get better; which is good, because this greenie business is hard!